My adolescence years

I remember that many years back when I was still a confused adolescence, my greatest desire was to be independent. For me, independence takes on a very different meaning from the ones stated in the dictionaries.

Back then, being independent would mean that I could make my own decisions without interference from other’s “prejudiced” perception (I used to think that of other people). Though I am living in total reliance on my parents, I deeply wanted to lead my own way of life, wanted to have a mind of my own and to be able to act on it. Why? Let’s just say that I was living under strict governance then.

But of course, at my tender age, when hands are stretched so that the mouth is fed, independence was a very far away thing.

I tried, however, in my own way to practice, so that I would be ready for independence as soon as possible, if practicing independent thinking is even possible.

I sort of created my own world, my own domain, a thinking space devoid of all mental interference. What others do, what others think, what happens to them did not really bothered me. Even my best of friends, I keep them at bay, out of my realm. I was like a standalone workstation, disconnected from the internet network, in order to protect from the “virus infection”.

I was basically living a solitary life in the psychological aspects. What I thought and perceived was all that matters. My principles and ideals are my Gods; they ruled me and the choices I made, the path I took. It did not matter whether I was happy or not, people around me were happy or not, as long as I followed my way of life, followed my Gods, I deluded myself that I was immersed in happiness.

So full of myself.

Now at 23, I look back, I realized how impossible my foolish ambitions have been. There was no way I could have escaped my ties, the blood that pulsed in my veins, the friends that I so consistently needed to talk to, the smile that I felt inside when I see them all happy, the tears I swallowed when times are bad for everyone. The more I isolate, strived to struggle my fate, the more entrapped I became in it, the meshed up sticky web of family ties, bonding and feelings.

Now, totally twined up, I slowly learnt to appreciate every connection there is, I learnt to take up responsibilities for the pain of others, the suffering we would share, the cups of celebratory happiness we would mellow.

Now, I wanted to be part of this network as much as possible, be it trivial matters or heartbreaking issues, I choose not to escape, choose to stand firm… not barging.

* I am not sure how I can help, but to the little girl that inspired this entry, my advice: The world is full of unpleasant realities, and if we let our thoughts dwell there, let ourselves be drowned in it, then we may lose sight of the rainbow that does appear after the rain. Let us do our best, taking up our responsibilities, tackling our problems, but also remember to look where the sun will shine. *