My blessings

I just returned home from my relative's wedding. It was a nice wedding dinner actually. Very tradition type, just the way any family elders would have preferred. The reception was noisy, friendly and heartwarming just as it should be. The proceedings went smoothly too. The couple was very much in love. Everyone could feel it I am sure. Lots of noise. Lots of laughter. Lots of love.

It was a very happy and important moment for the newlyweds. A very beautiful moment. So much so that I found it terribly unsettling that I could not say that I had shared their sentiment. Deep down beyond my smiling face, I felt a twitching ache inside of me. It started out like an ant’s bite, but now while I blog my feelings out, it seems to have morphed into I could no longer control. But yet the incredulous pain seems to be totally in sync with my heart beat, as if it was innate within me.

Please do not misunderstand that I am not on good terms with my just-married cousin or that I am jealous or whatever other negativities that are going through your mind right now. Contrary to that, I am quite happy to see joyous unions happening around me while lately things are quite the opposite.

It is just that I realized, in the near future, it is an episode of my life that I cannot run away from. And that is definitely too near for comfort. I realized that among all my cousins, I am the last handful yet to be married, not considering the one I have still going through preliminary exams of course. And I am definitely at a marriageable age. Arguable at a marriageable age.

And yet, as I look around me, not anyone in sight. Yes sure, I always have a romantic interest here there everywhere, but seriously no one really came that close. Close enough to let know about what it is like to lose myself in her love. And that is really sad. I really wonder what the difference between this love interest I had and that love interest I hadn’t. Couldn’t really tell. Hell… anyone were to ask me now, how many relationships I have been through, I might reply none… nothing close to what they call love.

Deep within, I wish to hold the hand of a beloved, but in reality, it is just ice cold beer. Real cold beer.