Dollars and Cents
Sometimes I wake up to the feeling that I do not belong here in this world. I feel so out of place, so incapable of comprehending others. What I say, what I think simply convince others that I am positively daft... well a bit exaggerated but most will definitely find me to be eccentric. I tried, once before, to change my shape and blend to the surroundings, but a part of me stubbornly resisted, jagging in mockery of my consciousness.
Some like to say that I hold myself in high esteem. But the truth is my self-esteem is moving like a pendulum, there have been times that I crease believing in myself, crease believing in the positives.
In these times, I suspect someone had turned off the lights in my little courtyard. I failed to see my path, blinded by angry and distrust, harassed by a vague but persistent voice telling me to walk my own way out of these misdirections that people like to point out to me.
Directions that may be given with good intentions, but yet pointing in every single bearing, concealing the helpful with prejudice in its rendering. But yet it is the direction that I must take. Not a matter of choice nor faith. But by commitments, responsibilities, the cognitive effects of relationship that shrinks my inner self, how I perceive myself and what I eventually want to be.
Not the chosen path, but the path I will strike out on because I know it is the right path. Right because it is justified by greater sense of communal well-being, overriding more primitive desires.
By doing so, I fear my self-worth will soon depreciate into emptiness, and crease being defined by character or belief. Because this path that is chosen is significantly less spiritually fulfilling. This is a path that many took. This is a path over dreams and aspiration. This is the path that we may regret over but cannot revert. This is the path that gives stability but leaves loneliness to me as a companion.
This is the path of the million-dollar baby.
Some like to say that I hold myself in high esteem. But the truth is my self-esteem is moving like a pendulum, there have been times that I crease believing in myself, crease believing in the positives.
In these times, I suspect someone had turned off the lights in my little courtyard. I failed to see my path, blinded by angry and distrust, harassed by a vague but persistent voice telling me to walk my own way out of these misdirections that people like to point out to me.
Directions that may be given with good intentions, but yet pointing in every single bearing, concealing the helpful with prejudice in its rendering. But yet it is the direction that I must take. Not a matter of choice nor faith. But by commitments, responsibilities, the cognitive effects of relationship that shrinks my inner self, how I perceive myself and what I eventually want to be.
Not the chosen path, but the path I will strike out on because I know it is the right path. Right because it is justified by greater sense of communal well-being, overriding more primitive desires.
By doing so, I fear my self-worth will soon depreciate into emptiness, and crease being defined by character or belief. Because this path that is chosen is significantly less spiritually fulfilling. This is a path that many took. This is a path over dreams and aspiration. This is the path that we may regret over but cannot revert. This is the path that gives stability but leaves loneliness to me as a companion.
This is the path of the million-dollar baby.
posted by andeo at
10:18 AM
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