My blessings

I just returned home from my relative's wedding. It was a nice wedding dinner actually. Very tradition type, just the way any family elders would have preferred. The reception was noisy, friendly and heartwarming just as it should be. The proceedings went smoothly too. The couple was very much in love. Everyone could feel it I am sure. Lots of noise. Lots of laughter. Lots of love.

It was a very happy and important moment for the newlyweds. A very beautiful moment. So much so that I found it terribly unsettling that I could not say that I had shared their sentiment. Deep down beyond my smiling face, I felt a twitching ache inside of me. It started out like an ant’s bite, but now while I blog my feelings out, it seems to have morphed into I could no longer control. But yet the incredulous pain seems to be totally in sync with my heart beat, as if it was innate within me.

Please do not misunderstand that I am not on good terms with my just-married cousin or that I am jealous or whatever other negativities that are going through your mind right now. Contrary to that, I am quite happy to see joyous unions happening around me while lately things are quite the opposite.

It is just that I realized, in the near future, it is an episode of my life that I cannot run away from. And that is definitely too near for comfort. I realized that among all my cousins, I am the last handful yet to be married, not considering the one I have still going through preliminary exams of course. And I am definitely at a marriageable age. Arguable at a marriageable age.

And yet, as I look around me, not anyone in sight. Yes sure, I always have a romantic interest here there everywhere, but seriously no one really came that close. Close enough to let know about what it is like to lose myself in her love. And that is really sad. I really wonder what the difference between this love interest I had and that love interest I hadn’t. Couldn’t really tell. Hell… anyone were to ask me now, how many relationships I have been through, I might reply none… nothing close to what they call love.

Deep within, I wish to hold the hand of a beloved, but in reality, it is just ice cold beer. Real cold beer.

To my dearest Perlini Silver….

This is my apology to you. Deepest regret that I have affected you the way I shouldn’t have. I really could not have anticipated that you would be a viewer of my blog. And I must add that you are the last person I would expect to chance upon this blog (my persona) in its naked glory. But please do not think that you are not welcomed here, by far, you are one of the best person to comment on my entries here, being a blogger yourself and accidentally, romantically attached to someone I am close with.

With reference to my previous entry, I think I could fairly assume that it did not appeal to you in the way I thought it would to the general crowd. My intention was really not to complain/lament/be a sissy about the fact that I was being overwhelmed by the daily chores that I had to do, but in actual fact it was really because I didn’t have anything better to do than to think of pranks to play on my friends.

I rest assure you that friend-who-has-moral-obligations has totally frown upon my perverse sense of humor. Although the fact that I have seek his approval before publishing the entry, I am well aware that it does not negate its ill effects. I recognize that it has been relatively damaging to both of you and I am responsible for it. I am sorry.

I must assure you that hammies are well taken care of and the process of it has been enjoyable to me personally. I would seriously prefer that some of the pictures of them be taken and send them to your side so that you may share our enjoyment. It will be done as soon as possible after some issues are sorted out. I promise.

Lastly, I really hope that you will enjoy your trip while you are there and cease worrying yourself about things here. Your hammies are in safe hands, although seemingly incompetent but still safe. I would in fact throw in some extra service that you might find useful. Mr friend-who-has-moral-obligations will be watched over like a hawk. Any boobies that he might get his hands on will be mine.

Indulge yourself please, before you are back, because we are.

* Names have been changed in view of privacy*

Hammie’s Plight Part 2 - Point of No Return

Recently, a spiral of events made me realize the importance of time to a student, and not just any student. But *Ahem* a student who wishes to heed to the call to seek higher education, to devote his time to uncover the truth, the quest to sedate the un-sedateable mind. And of course a few hours of commercialized work would not hurt, certainly helps to pay the bills. And perhaps fund the little quest of skit chasing I sometimes find myself crazy enough to contemplate.

So, I finally concluded I would require better time management or to be exact, STOP doing things that are hardly worth my time! Like chatting on the MSN. Like surfing the web. Like doing housework at my mother’s whim. Like trying to cliché with people I cannot cliché with. Like tending to the hamsters. Especially tending to the hamsters! What could be more of a waste of time! Feed them. Play with them. Feed them. Clean the cages. Feed them. Buy stacks of food and bedding. Feed them!

Some of us here should be able to read what am I driving at… after quite a detour. For the benefit of the rest, maybe I will just fill you in a bit more.

I have this friend. Good friend but not so good recently. And he has a girl friend. That’s the problem… the girl friend. And the girl friend has hamsters. Many hamsters. Whole colony of them. And happily one fine day, she wants to fly to America. For what? who knows? Find a white boy then ditch him? Nah… he is a good boy friend. Gullible. Easily to control. Tell him to go left. He goes left. Tell him to go right. He goes right. Tell him to take care of hamsters, he does exactly. She will keep him. It’s like expired lottery receipts, useless but we keep them anyway.

But then again, he is such a ******. Never figured out the difference between caring for a hamster and killing one. And so, I did what a good, helpful, dedicated, loving friend would do. I took over the task. I tend to their needs. I was at their beck and call. I‘m the humble servant.

At first he was all grateful and nice and everything. H said he would pay the expenditure that incurred, buy me a meal la… express his gratitude. But well, people, let me tell you about a certain breed of people whom exists in this world. Ingrates. Never trust them.

But let me tell you this… friend, I do not have any moral obligation to their health or what so ever. You do. I am not going to be held responsible for any malnutrition, mishandling, sudden bout of illness, injury, possible death or suicidal inclination that your hamsters might experience. You are.

So, friend who has moral obligations, please, consider. Make my effort worthwhile. Consider some meal at some posh restaurant. Consider some alcoholic beverages at some posh bars. Consider some monetary benefits of some significant amount. (I only accept donations in numeration of 50) Else, I might exercise my non-obligatory rights. You are warned.

* And oh yes, you might want to know about this peculiar friend of mine. She once told me of her obsession for some exotic food. One of the dishes that she must have before she kick the bucket so happen to be hamster meat.

Oooh… how convenient. Didn’t ask her would she like it fried, barbequed, stewed or whatever though. Will remember to ask about that next time I see her. Or perhaps you could make me feel a little less willing to. Oh well.

Just for laughs. *

Something to ponder

Dr Leo Buscaglia writes, "We have gone a full circle. We have gone into leaving the family, leaving the moral values, leaving all things that are good, the things we call platitudes. We have tried everything - sexual promiscuity, multi-marriages. But we find that all those things have just left us feeling alone and empty. So now we are beginning to look again at those old-fashioned values and to recognise that perhaps there is some truth in them."

* Some quotes that might mean nothing to you and me, but yet illustrate the evolution of human relation. Question: Why the need to conform to these values? To keep our nature in check? Are we born good or are we born bad? *

My adolescence years

I remember that many years back when I was still a confused adolescence, my greatest desire was to be independent. For me, independence takes on a very different meaning from the ones stated in the dictionaries.

Back then, being independent would mean that I could make my own decisions without interference from other’s “prejudiced” perception (I used to think that of other people). Though I am living in total reliance on my parents, I deeply wanted to lead my own way of life, wanted to have a mind of my own and to be able to act on it. Why? Let’s just say that I was living under strict governance then.

But of course, at my tender age, when hands are stretched so that the mouth is fed, independence was a very far away thing.

I tried, however, in my own way to practice, so that I would be ready for independence as soon as possible, if practicing independent thinking is even possible.

I sort of created my own world, my own domain, a thinking space devoid of all mental interference. What others do, what others think, what happens to them did not really bothered me. Even my best of friends, I keep them at bay, out of my realm. I was like a standalone workstation, disconnected from the internet network, in order to protect from the “virus infection”.

I was basically living a solitary life in the psychological aspects. What I thought and perceived was all that matters. My principles and ideals are my Gods; they ruled me and the choices I made, the path I took. It did not matter whether I was happy or not, people around me were happy or not, as long as I followed my way of life, followed my Gods, I deluded myself that I was immersed in happiness.

So full of myself.

Now at 23, I look back, I realized how impossible my foolish ambitions have been. There was no way I could have escaped my ties, the blood that pulsed in my veins, the friends that I so consistently needed to talk to, the smile that I felt inside when I see them all happy, the tears I swallowed when times are bad for everyone. The more I isolate, strived to struggle my fate, the more entrapped I became in it, the meshed up sticky web of family ties, bonding and feelings.

Now, totally twined up, I slowly learnt to appreciate every connection there is, I learnt to take up responsibilities for the pain of others, the suffering we would share, the cups of celebratory happiness we would mellow.

Now, I wanted to be part of this network as much as possible, be it trivial matters or heartbreaking issues, I choose not to escape, choose to stand firm… not barging.

* I am not sure how I can help, but to the little girl that inspired this entry, my advice: The world is full of unpleasant realities, and if we let our thoughts dwell there, let ourselves be drowned in it, then we may lose sight of the rainbow that does appear after the rain. Let us do our best, taking up our responsibilities, tackling our problems, but also remember to look where the sun will shine. *