Hidden within a Promise

Many times in our life, we make promises, promises that we try so hard to hold true as if it is the essence of our faith. And as if signed off in blood, those of us whom believed in principles, believed in solemnity of a given word, will go way out to make and not break a promise.

Some of which are unspoken commitments; to our parents to care for them in their old age, to our friends to give them our support in times of need. These, needless to say, inbuilt from young, are explicit qualities of one’s character that are to be judged upon harshly when failed to fulfill.

While many look upon promises as sacred, many others with less than honorable intentions view its duty-bounding effect, exploitable characteristics, as means to their ends. Well, I would not want to discuss in details how it is done, lest I offend anyone. Just think suppressed low-key seductive voice.

Example: One of my ex girl-friend once ask me if I would love her… well, until when kingdom comes. And my reaction to that, pretty standard, a dumb founded look. And after 5 minutes, still a dumb founded look. No prizes for guessing why she is an ex.

Unable to make a connection there, love became a brittle and painful experience. Smart as she is, she is unable to see the futility of such expressions. How difficult would it be to say yes? Say yes and make her happy? But I question the lifespan of such facade happiness.

IF I say yes, I am essentially making a promise to love her till she dies or I die. How possible is that? At our tender age, we make lifelong commitments to take care of each other? Ridiculous. Hilariously ridiculous. Well, if I am not serious about relationship I would say yes. If I see her as just a challenge I would say yes. If I am looking for a quickie I would say yes. If I didn’t really loved I would say yes.

By saying no, it represented respect. Respect for love and for my partner. It represented serious thinking in the relationship. I was searching for something deeper. Not false pretense. Not lovey-dovey conversations. Not quickies.

In such situation, withholding promises effective translates into burden, false sense of rationality, and in time pain. Yet the most stubborn among us, may choose to keep them even it is plainly stated “To no avail”. Silly. Silly but brave, with a hint of strong character.

This may not be the best example to illustrate, but certainly give an overview of how close to life it is. And it does happens in all kind of relationships that we may have.

Next time, when the situation comes upon us to make such an ironic commitment, we best think, and we best judge. For being placed in those conflicting situation, with conflicting personality and principles, make hell of a messed up life.

Degree Celsius

The coals are glowing brightly in the dark, illuminating little warmth. The aroma of sizzling BBQ meat, carried along by the chilly night wind, will certainly awaken the sleepiest stomach. In the mist of the jabbering and soft laughter, soulful R&B music paced my steps.

Slipping my ice cold beer, I feel a little lukewarm. Very lukewarm indeed.

Unwanted feeling for the day

Rejection. It is an expression actually, verbal or non-verbal. An action or intention to say no, to shut off and shut out. Why would you consider that a feeling? Well, faced with a lifetime of them, in itself, is not a feeling but invokes a string of emotions, which could possibly reduce your life into puny snuffed out wreck.

And no, we are not talking the mean “no…” (Monotonous and devoid of all feeling), that I used to, sincerely and almost smilingly, tell those pesky volunteers sweating their heart out asking for donations in the street.

And no, not even oh god-forbidden “NO” you would say to an uninteresting romantic, who quite possibly have been attracted to the sight of you plowing your nostrils.

Well, WHAT am I talking about? Those who have been there know it, those who are there are currently drowning in it, those who are not yet there... well you just have to use your imagination.

Hammie's plight

A sorrowful squeak broke my concentration. I perked my ears, trying to listening hard. And there it is again... its hammie letting out his moanful cry.

With a sigh, I went over to his cage. I fully understand his pain. Been rather busy these few days, hardly had time for cleaning cages and replenishing food for them, what more to say for extra playtime.

Hammie lied on his belly, his head stumped dejectedly on the craving, casting a forlorn look at me. Even after I opened his cage and stroke his little crown, he remained oblivious. With the tip of my finger, I coax him to play, rubbing his underside and paws, barely managed to get him to nibble my finger.

That was all he was willing to give, resenting in his moanful plight, not the least interested to my proposition offered. With another sigh, I vowed to think of something to cheer up my little friend.

Gothem Penthouse

Yeah... just came home from sim bash at clark quay... Alittle drunk and alittle pissed... Had a nasty comment made at me this very night, that I'm a flirt... What did I do to deserve this... The only ass I groped for the night is my own... Message to all out there who think this way: F**k you sh*t and thank you for judging me before knowing me...

Dawn of time

Ever see the rising of the sun across the horizon? It is like a spectrum of colours, painting the sky with skillful strokes of an artisit. It is like a hurricane of colourful emotions, twisted and dispersed throughout. The sparkling water, a divider between heaven and earth, adds to the captivating sight, reflecting a million times, giving the life of light an unlimited reach.

Yet the true beauty of dawn is not what can you see, but the knowledge that the very sunrise that you are witnessing is the same one as since the dawn of time, everyday down the millennium. Mother Nature hasn't been selfish. She presented us one of nature's greatest image, most enchanting view and most of all, infinity of chances to bare witness.

Yet is the chance given, unconditional to every single creature. Like a mother giving to her child, a lifetime of giving, with no reward nor expectation. Selfless love in its full glory.

My friend when you are down, burdened, troubled, please remember to give yourself a chance, just as the dawn, to remember the beauty and good things that existed in the world. And also to give me a chance, to be a better friend to you.

* After reading this log a few days later, I decided that this is totally mushy and revolting. Please do not mistaken the real me for this doing... I wasn't thinking good back then. *

My new friend

I'm searching for a friend. A friend that stays around. Someone easy to get along. Someone staying nearby, and maybe we can walk home together, have dinner down the street.

My new friend is someone who doesn't judge. Rather seek to know me before judging me. Rather give me time to open up. Rather know me from deep within.

Soon, someone will know of this mask I'm so fond of putting on. Smiles and laughter are my makeup. Dry humour is my weapon, shying me away from prying inquisitive eyes. Beneath it all, another me that never shows. Not happy nor sad. Not angry nor tamed. Just a calm soul lying beneath.

Maybe I am over protective. Maybe it's all unnecessary. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I should smile alittle more, tell alittle more. Maybe someone knows and waits. Maybe someone will walk at a slower pace, waiting for me to catch up.

Maybe my friend is not a new friend after all. Just standing by the side. Hands spread out. Maybe I look but I didn't see. A friend that was there all along.

* Prerequisites of new friends:
1. Alcoholic, like to get drunk today and every other day. Rich as hell and like to pay for my drinks.
2. Smoker, the on off type, always mumbling about quiting but never does. Makes me feel less guilty when puffing away. (I'm sorry for smoking mum. I know you will never see this, that's why I confessing. Still, please forgive me as always. Love you.)
3. Don't really care that I am a boring guy...hmm ok boring and lame...erm... ok ok I know, boring and lame and shameless... yes yes stop staring in disdain... there's more I know... but if this keeps up, I'm not getting any friends. Have a heart.
4. Pesky irritating type, will irritate me once in a while, forcing me to bite back. Well, it keeps my sarcastic nature in practice you know. I just so love to do that.

Note: Above stated are all nice-to-have-ok-if-you-don't, just keep in mind that if, and I'm saying if, you want to know me better, please read Prerequisite number 1, should see me get drunk. Sometimes aggressive, mostly dramatically hysterical.*

First of the many days...

Today is a very important milestone of my life. I stepped into the first day of uni life. Pretty excited... mildly actually. After all I'm not at that age where I could have free run with my emotions.

Also, I really must comment that students there are really sociable. Who would have guessed that my fellow orientation members all met early for breakfast before lessons. Amazing even by my standards, most would be too lazy for something like that, what more when it was nothing short of full attendence. Almost like mustering during national service days. "Wu ya boh~", i would have exclaimed those days...

The initial chattering were mostly boring stuff, "Hi dude", "How's work?", "Prettier huh?" blah blah blah.... Still as a noisy cluster, we proceeded to the lecture theater. Rest are standard, old man old woman introduced themselves, some welcome speech right off some scripts, even played a clip on why SIM is the BEST choice for you!! marketing department at work... yawnz

Right after that, STILL more marketing speech... (yawnz*2). Well this one, however, is a heavyweight champion. Australian lecturer man~. Abit powerful.... salesman, lecturer, soundblaster all roll into one... And the aussie ascent sounded uncannily like austin powers, half expected him to say "Grooovvy~~ baby!!".

After all that sales talk, highlight of the day comes... LUNCH!! Buffet woh!! As the lecturer had put it plainly, "You have paid good money for this course". We can all see that. Or rather taste it. Bon Appetite.

Lesson followed swiftly. Nothing interesting though. I must say it's rather nice to be back to school.... feeling young once more.